Tuesday, January 27, 2009
More than a year later...
It was getting that comment from a complete stranger - in the last posting, after I had lulled myself into thinking that just Michel, Lane and a few friends were the only ones who'd ever see this, that scared me into stopping this blog. Tonight I was reading my friend Amber's incredibly well-written and funny blog, Double-Oh-Three, and decided to become a public fan... and as she apparently uses the same blogging tool, I could see this old blog listed next to my name. I thought that even though I stopped writing here, at least I could share an "ending" of sorts: I lost 17lbs total and started working out regularly. Perhaps the almost 1month of being ice-bound in PA has set me back recently, but exercise is in my future. Nutella still makes an occasional visit to our home, but it has lost its grip on me...I think. If anyone has any desire to read this, I'd recommend starting from the very bottom of this page for you to get the full "effect"...to be continued...or not.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Halloween: the aftermath
Why on earth am I up at this wee hour? You guessed it, ramped up on all that Halloween candy I'm certainly not going to let my kids eat! Parties in the last 3 out of 5 days have done nothing to quell my desire for treats, if anything, having had some yummy food has only increased my predisposition to splurge... one look at the scale should set me straight again.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
maybe I should actually post to my blog
I'm back to the very beginning, at least in a psychological sense in that I feel I have absolutely nothing to post. Because I keep re-injuring my back every time I make a concerted effort to exercise, the whole 'diet' thing gets off track each time. I apparently have plenty to say in comments on other blogs, but not much to report here. I haven't kept up with the calorie counter, I'm reduced to walking for exercise, I'm finding it hard to eat balanced meals. I've been cookie-binging less. Perhaps the only item I could share is: digging through an old bag of clothes the other day, I was shocked to see how small the shirts looked. I have some gorgeous old clothes that I'd love to squeeze myself into ... THAT motivates me. But it does come down to figuring out how to exercise without hurting my back...once I start exercising, then I eat much better and everything seems to fall into place. I haven't weighed myself in ages, so I don't know what I weigh (and if it were somehow higher, I know that would depress me enough to stop the diet altogether), but it seems clothes have been fitting a touch better. Tonight my "Diana the Huntress, aka Artemis" costume looked fantastic. It was an old brown clingy dress that is far too short for these chubby legs, but with the addition of organza, flowers and leaves, it looked beautiful and I somehow pulled off being in a very tight dress. It is nice to feel pretty.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
It's like I've been living on another planet...
It has officially been 9 years since I stepped inside a gym. Even more if you count that I really used a gym more regularly when I was in college – a good 17+ years ago. A real gym with sweaty men, free weights, grunting sounds, women in spandex, and that extra lovely touch – mirrors. Today for the first time I entered the “gym” part of my YMCA (to date, I’d only ever attended a few Pilates classes prior to my back herniations diagnosis, or used the pool there). I looked for the little paper & pencils where you’d write down how many reps/sets you’d accomplished on a certain machine. I searched in vain for a machine (cardio or weight) that I could recognize. No success: things sure have changed in 9-17 years! My oh my. Being utterly incapable of navigating the foreign surroundings of sweaty men, mirrors, and now strange machines with COMPUTERS, I had to ask a trainer to help me get started.
Their “Fit Traxx” system or whatever it is called is absolutely astounding… like having your own personal trainer hanging over you at each machine! I slowly learned I had to enter my pin number before using each contraption, and then watch as the computer told me if I was within the correct range of motion, if I was going too fast or too slow, how many reps/sets I’d done, if my seat was adjusted correctly, etc, etc. The array of cardio machines was mind-boggling: treadmills, stairmasters, optical elliptical octagonal whatchamacalits, rowers, “cross-trainers” – and a few that even elicited this comment from the trainer: “those over there are really too complex and strange to use”.
The thing I finally chose was the cross-trainer. All the buttons made me feel I was in a cockpit. The pilot then had to decide upon the various options: did I want to know the calories burned per hour or overall calories or the distance or the time or a combination of any of these; did I want to push or pull the handles; did I want the fan on high or low (yes, there is a little personal fan on the machine!); did I want to know my heart rate; did I want to watch the large TV overhead or the personal one attached to the machine (OH MY GOSH!); and if so, what channel did I want to watch???? There was more, FAR more I didn’t even get to… I just pushed “express start” instead of selecting one of the various “programs” I could choose. If there were any more decisions needing to be made, it would’ve been time for me to pick up the kids!
Suffice to say, I warmed up for 5 minutes and proceeded to “run” while sometimes pulling and sometimes pushing with my arms for another 25 minutes. My heart rate was around 160 (which apparently is the very high end of my “zone” – I’m learning the lingo!), and in that time I covered a distance of a bit over 2 miles. I was drenched in sweat at the end, but proud and happy. It was amazing to be able to “run” but without the back pounding that normal running incurs (and the kind my orthopedist has told me to avoid). I approached the trainer who had taught me the machine and told him my toes were numb (“is that supposed to happen? Does that mean my position is wrong?”). He was so perplexed by this that he took a few steps back (from the weirdo lady, obviously), and said slowly, “Uh, noooo, didn’t you feel it was happening?” Of course I did, but I had continued anyway. When I told him that the feeling was starting to return to my feet, he gave me a limp little laugh and moved away.
So here is the kicker: want to know how many calories (according the computer) I burned in this effort? A whopping 233! So tonight as I was eating fish (dover sole) and green beans, I was hoping that the olive drenched over everything (olive oil flows like water in this household – I’m convinced that for the kids, it makes EVERYTHYING go down easier and tastier) was not more than my half hour of effort, but I fear it might be. I cannot BELIEVE how few calories I burned! OH MY GOSH for the second time! (I’m trying not to say Omigod too much – something I picked up from watching the Sopranos, albeit one of the tamer things!).
I completed the workout with two sets of weights (just 5 machines) – but it seemed lame because the time spent on the computer gave me more than ample time to rest. Hopefully as I become more savvy at this business, the weights workout will improve.
In any event, after a trip to PA and back, finally resettled at home, I promise myself and Michel and Lane that I’ll restart with the calorie counter tomorrow. There has just been too much craziness until now. I’m feeling guilty that I’ve accomplished much less (in terms of actually losing weight) than Michel and Lane, but baby steps, baby steps. At the very least, I’ve stopped gorging myself on bad stuff. And after today I certainly will think twice about 233 calories and what that translates to in actual effort. Michel and Lane, you’ve both inspired me so much – to count calories AND start exercising. I’ve realized that it cannot be diet alone. There is another LOOONG story about how challenging it was to get my daughter to stay in the kids’ care they have at the Y, but we’re over that hurdle now, so I want to forget that story and focus on the future – the possibility of what might happen if I could do a workout three times a week and how wonderful that would feel. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I find a way to manage the kids and actually GET to the Y!!
Their “Fit Traxx” system or whatever it is called is absolutely astounding… like having your own personal trainer hanging over you at each machine! I slowly learned I had to enter my pin number before using each contraption, and then watch as the computer told me if I was within the correct range of motion, if I was going too fast or too slow, how many reps/sets I’d done, if my seat was adjusted correctly, etc, etc. The array of cardio machines was mind-boggling: treadmills, stairmasters, optical elliptical octagonal whatchamacalits, rowers, “cross-trainers” – and a few that even elicited this comment from the trainer: “those over there are really too complex and strange to use”.
The thing I finally chose was the cross-trainer. All the buttons made me feel I was in a cockpit. The pilot then had to decide upon the various options: did I want to know the calories burned per hour or overall calories or the distance or the time or a combination of any of these; did I want to push or pull the handles; did I want the fan on high or low (yes, there is a little personal fan on the machine!); did I want to know my heart rate; did I want to watch the large TV overhead or the personal one attached to the machine (OH MY GOSH!); and if so, what channel did I want to watch???? There was more, FAR more I didn’t even get to… I just pushed “express start” instead of selecting one of the various “programs” I could choose. If there were any more decisions needing to be made, it would’ve been time for me to pick up the kids!
Suffice to say, I warmed up for 5 minutes and proceeded to “run” while sometimes pulling and sometimes pushing with my arms for another 25 minutes. My heart rate was around 160 (which apparently is the very high end of my “zone” – I’m learning the lingo!), and in that time I covered a distance of a bit over 2 miles. I was drenched in sweat at the end, but proud and happy. It was amazing to be able to “run” but without the back pounding that normal running incurs (and the kind my orthopedist has told me to avoid). I approached the trainer who had taught me the machine and told him my toes were numb (“is that supposed to happen? Does that mean my position is wrong?”). He was so perplexed by this that he took a few steps back (from the weirdo lady, obviously), and said slowly, “Uh, noooo, didn’t you feel it was happening?” Of course I did, but I had continued anyway. When I told him that the feeling was starting to return to my feet, he gave me a limp little laugh and moved away.
So here is the kicker: want to know how many calories (according the computer) I burned in this effort? A whopping 233! So tonight as I was eating fish (dover sole) and green beans, I was hoping that the olive drenched over everything (olive oil flows like water in this household – I’m convinced that for the kids, it makes EVERYTHYING go down easier and tastier) was not more than my half hour of effort, but I fear it might be. I cannot BELIEVE how few calories I burned! OH MY GOSH for the second time! (I’m trying not to say Omigod too much – something I picked up from watching the Sopranos, albeit one of the tamer things!).
I completed the workout with two sets of weights (just 5 machines) – but it seemed lame because the time spent on the computer gave me more than ample time to rest. Hopefully as I become more savvy at this business, the weights workout will improve.
In any event, after a trip to PA and back, finally resettled at home, I promise myself and Michel and Lane that I’ll restart with the calorie counter tomorrow. There has just been too much craziness until now. I’m feeling guilty that I’ve accomplished much less (in terms of actually losing weight) than Michel and Lane, but baby steps, baby steps. At the very least, I’ve stopped gorging myself on bad stuff. And after today I certainly will think twice about 233 calories and what that translates to in actual effort. Michel and Lane, you’ve both inspired me so much – to count calories AND start exercising. I’ve realized that it cannot be diet alone. There is another LOOONG story about how challenging it was to get my daughter to stay in the kids’ care they have at the Y, but we’re over that hurdle now, so I want to forget that story and focus on the future – the possibility of what might happen if I could do a workout three times a week and how wonderful that would feel. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I find a way to manage the kids and actually GET to the Y!!
Friday, August 3, 2007
Water is my Friend
Another post-midnight post! I still haven't inputted the rest of yesterday's meals, nor any of today's, into the calorie counter, and at this point I think it simply won't happen. I don't really have much free time to get onto the computer except after the kids are in bed, but that is the same precious time in which I try to do EVERYTHING else as well. Today went better - I had fresh squeezed orange juice and a kiwi for breakfast, pieces of parmigiano and broccoli pasta for lunch, and some random leftovers for dinner. There is a good chance I'm over my limit, but probably not by much and at least I didn't go nuts eating any nuts like yesterday. I didn't get to exercise today as I had hoped, but I did chase the kids up and down the beach today. Even though I was tired, being at the beach certainly improved my mood.
Michel and Lane, the kids and I are going to PA on Saturday morning, so although I probably won't be doing the calorie counter from there, at least I'll have you-know-who to keep an eagle eye on any potential unhealthy snacking. I'm feeling optimistic that there is hope here... maybe the results may not come as immediately as one would hope... but if I keep monitoring everything I eat and try, try to exercise, then whatever the result, it is already a heck of a lot better than the previous situation. I've found myself looking at the nutrition facts on everything these days and one sneaky way in which calories creep in are beverages... any beverages. It is amazing how many calories an ice tea has! At this point I'm realizing that ALL I really need to be drinking these days is water. Plain ol', good ol' water. No way is it worth using up 100-200 calories on some drink when calorie-free water could be quenching my thirst even better. I find when I first open the fridge (the gateway to temptation), I'm lured by all sorts of drinks, anything BUT water. But, if I first drink water, the temptation to drink something else immediately subsides. You two have already shared a zillion tips with me, so this is my tip-o-the-day for you: drink ONLY water!
Michel and Lane, the kids and I are going to PA on Saturday morning, so although I probably won't be doing the calorie counter from there, at least I'll have you-know-who to keep an eagle eye on any potential unhealthy snacking. I'm feeling optimistic that there is hope here... maybe the results may not come as immediately as one would hope... but if I keep monitoring everything I eat and try, try to exercise, then whatever the result, it is already a heck of a lot better than the previous situation. I've found myself looking at the nutrition facts on everything these days and one sneaky way in which calories creep in are beverages... any beverages. It is amazing how many calories an ice tea has! At this point I'm realizing that ALL I really need to be drinking these days is water. Plain ol', good ol' water. No way is it worth using up 100-200 calories on some drink when calorie-free water could be quenching my thirst even better. I find when I first open the fridge (the gateway to temptation), I'm lured by all sorts of drinks, anything BUT water. But, if I first drink water, the temptation to drink something else immediately subsides. You two have already shared a zillion tips with me, so this is my tip-o-the-day for you: drink ONLY water!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
The "S" word...
Well, today essentially sucked (I’m trying not to use that word around the kids, but I suppose it is safe here)… I felt SOOOO tempted to give myself something “yummy”… I felt hungry and unsatisfied; I am having a heck of a time keeping up with inputting everything into the calorie counter and when I finally get around to doing it, I have to guess a lot and the results are dismal. What a far cry from Saturday – the day when the whole diet thing seemed to finally click and everything seemed easy and almost fun. Sleep is essential – I know this is a current theme running through all three of our blogs. Being exhausted today put me in a very weak state in which I felt I was constantly battling temptation. I ended up eating about 50 pistachios more than I had planned (I’ll just have a few so as not to indulge in worse stuff.. and then a few more, and then a few more… whoah, that bag is halfway empty! (or half full, I’m still an optimist – sort of!)…and the whole day was simply off: no exercise, still haven’t inputted data into the calorie counter… and blah, blah, blah…come back to me, Saturday self!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Some numbers (it is about time!):
Current weight (as of Sun, July 29, 10am at the YMCA scale): 173 lbs
Height: 5’7”
Age: 39
Ideal weight: 142 lbs.
We’ll see if I ever have the guts to actually post before/after photos. Once in college with my roommate Kathy we took “before” pics… if ONLY I could look that good now! (I think I weighed around 135bs then, and was running 3 miles several times a week).
Why 142? This is what I weighed at my wedding (9 years ago – eek!) – when I was in shape, felt and looked good. I certainly wasn’t super thin then and it probably would not hurt to lose even more than 30lbs, but the 140 lb range is a realistic goal. An important factor in all this would not only be losing weight, but also getting back into shape – having that weight be muscle and not fat. Is it true what they say about muscle weighing more than fat? In that case, I have a long way to go in order to lose these pounds AND get back in fighting form.
I’ve started hanging upside-down like a bat on a neighbor’s inversion table to help ease my back pain from the herniated discs; with any luck I’ll grow a few inches and these numbers will have to change. Haha.
And now, some more numbers from the Calorie counter that I’m not quite sure I understand, but here they are:
Target amount of daily calories: 1415 (I don’t recall how this was set, and I cannot figure out how to go in and change that number… not that I want to, just don’t understand what it is based on…. Michel/Lane, any ideas?)
BMI:27 (medium risk)
Looks like the desired BMI according to this calorie counter is 20. It says that if I want to get to 20, I need to lose 45.6lbs… which would mean losing roughly 15 more pounds than I’m currently shooting for, and which would mean a target weight of 127 as opposed to 142 lbs. So I guess this calorie counter thinks I was chubby when I got married…
Some final thoughts on numbers:
I can remember weighing 112lbs. It was around the very late 1970’s/early 80’s when I was perhaps 12 or 13. And then suddenly I was 115lbs and wanted to get back to 112. And before I knew it, I was 120 and I really wanted to get back to 112. And this was STILL while I was not even 15 or 16 years old! Crazy if you think about it. Looking back at the photos I was a tall, athletic, healthy girl with barely a trace of fat on me… but at the time, I FELT fat. I had a mom who was on the Scarsdale diet in those years. Her allergist in the late 1970’s was giving her speed to lose weight (very common in those days) and she would stay up to the wee hours cleaning the fridge, calling other friends who were also in the midst of late-night diet-prescribed-speed-induced cleaning binges. I remember she weighed somewhere in the 155 range and she was in her mid-50’s. Again, in the photos, she looks great, very pretty, nice and shapely, but not fat.
At the current moment I see that numbers are helping me. While the calorie counter is time-consuming to complete, it provides a fascinating window into my eating habits; face to face with the numbers -- with reality, my old justifications/excuses no longer hold up. But in the long run, I don’t want the numbers to matter, I really just want to feel well… I want to be in shape and be strong and healthy.
There was a tragic article in this past Sunday’s New York Times about a 35 yr old new mom with stage 4 cancer. There is almost nothing that strikes more fear in my heart than the thought of not being alive and healthy for my kids (especially while they are young and needy). Imagining this woman fighting for her life just to have a few more weeks, a few more months with her 1 year old puts things into perspective instantly.. I have the RESPONSIBILTY for myself and for my kids to take care of myself. Allowing this creeping weight gain and lack of exercise is to take for granted the immense luxury of being healthy (no diseases, all four limbs working well, the brain perhaps a bit less well but with more sleep there is hope). I’m squandering this luxury by not being as fit and in shape and healthy as I can possibly be. I’m sure if someone with cancer could give a message to someone healthy, it would be along the lines of appreciating every moment, not getting bogged down by the details, and taking advantage of the absence of disease to maintain good health by immersing oneself in a healthy lifestyle.
On that note, I should go to bed. For someone who thought she had nothing to say regarding the topic of weight loss, I’m incapable of ceasing my rambling!
By the way, yesterday and today I ate well, not great. Far better than in previous months, but not as good as Saturday, (the day when something finally clicked). I surpassed the target calories each day, but not by much, and managed to get in a good 45 minutes of heart-pumping freestyle swim. I also resisted temptation and did not snack, but the meals themselves were hard to trim down. Much like my two partners in this endeavor, Michel and Lane, the weekend BBQs presented numerous challenges (not the least of which is, how in the calorie counter can you ever manage to tally up a bite of this and a bite of that? The only way must be to not have those bites!)… Getting protein without a lot of fat will be my goal in the upcoming days.
I’ll weigh myself again next Sunday and we’ll see if my actions match my words.
Buona notte!
Current weight (as of Sun, July 29, 10am at the YMCA scale): 173 lbs
Height: 5’7”
Age: 39
Ideal weight: 142 lbs.
We’ll see if I ever have the guts to actually post before/after photos. Once in college with my roommate Kathy we took “before” pics… if ONLY I could look that good now! (I think I weighed around 135bs then, and was running 3 miles several times a week).
Why 142? This is what I weighed at my wedding (9 years ago – eek!) – when I was in shape, felt and looked good. I certainly wasn’t super thin then and it probably would not hurt to lose even more than 30lbs, but the 140 lb range is a realistic goal. An important factor in all this would not only be losing weight, but also getting back into shape – having that weight be muscle and not fat. Is it true what they say about muscle weighing more than fat? In that case, I have a long way to go in order to lose these pounds AND get back in fighting form.
I’ve started hanging upside-down like a bat on a neighbor’s inversion table to help ease my back pain from the herniated discs; with any luck I’ll grow a few inches and these numbers will have to change. Haha.
And now, some more numbers from the Calorie counter that I’m not quite sure I understand, but here they are:
Target amount of daily calories: 1415 (I don’t recall how this was set, and I cannot figure out how to go in and change that number… not that I want to, just don’t understand what it is based on…. Michel/Lane, any ideas?)
BMI:27 (medium risk)
Looks like the desired BMI according to this calorie counter is 20. It says that if I want to get to 20, I need to lose 45.6lbs… which would mean losing roughly 15 more pounds than I’m currently shooting for, and which would mean a target weight of 127 as opposed to 142 lbs. So I guess this calorie counter thinks I was chubby when I got married…
Some final thoughts on numbers:
I can remember weighing 112lbs. It was around the very late 1970’s/early 80’s when I was perhaps 12 or 13. And then suddenly I was 115lbs and wanted to get back to 112. And before I knew it, I was 120 and I really wanted to get back to 112. And this was STILL while I was not even 15 or 16 years old! Crazy if you think about it. Looking back at the photos I was a tall, athletic, healthy girl with barely a trace of fat on me… but at the time, I FELT fat. I had a mom who was on the Scarsdale diet in those years. Her allergist in the late 1970’s was giving her speed to lose weight (very common in those days) and she would stay up to the wee hours cleaning the fridge, calling other friends who were also in the midst of late-night diet-prescribed-speed-induced cleaning binges. I remember she weighed somewhere in the 155 range and she was in her mid-50’s. Again, in the photos, she looks great, very pretty, nice and shapely, but not fat.
At the current moment I see that numbers are helping me. While the calorie counter is time-consuming to complete, it provides a fascinating window into my eating habits; face to face with the numbers -- with reality, my old justifications/excuses no longer hold up. But in the long run, I don’t want the numbers to matter, I really just want to feel well… I want to be in shape and be strong and healthy.
There was a tragic article in this past Sunday’s New York Times about a 35 yr old new mom with stage 4 cancer. There is almost nothing that strikes more fear in my heart than the thought of not being alive and healthy for my kids (especially while they are young and needy). Imagining this woman fighting for her life just to have a few more weeks, a few more months with her 1 year old puts things into perspective instantly.. I have the RESPONSIBILTY for myself and for my kids to take care of myself. Allowing this creeping weight gain and lack of exercise is to take for granted the immense luxury of being healthy (no diseases, all four limbs working well, the brain perhaps a bit less well but with more sleep there is hope). I’m squandering this luxury by not being as fit and in shape and healthy as I can possibly be. I’m sure if someone with cancer could give a message to someone healthy, it would be along the lines of appreciating every moment, not getting bogged down by the details, and taking advantage of the absence of disease to maintain good health by immersing oneself in a healthy lifestyle.
On that note, I should go to bed. For someone who thought she had nothing to say regarding the topic of weight loss, I’m incapable of ceasing my rambling!
By the way, yesterday and today I ate well, not great. Far better than in previous months, but not as good as Saturday, (the day when something finally clicked). I surpassed the target calories each day, but not by much, and managed to get in a good 45 minutes of heart-pumping freestyle swim. I also resisted temptation and did not snack, but the meals themselves were hard to trim down. Much like my two partners in this endeavor, Michel and Lane, the weekend BBQs presented numerous challenges (not the least of which is, how in the calorie counter can you ever manage to tally up a bite of this and a bite of that? The only way must be to not have those bites!)… Getting protein without a lot of fat will be my goal in the upcoming days.
I’ll weigh myself again next Sunday and we’ll see if my actions match my words.
Buona notte!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
A Wind of Change?
A new wind swept into town today and blew a door shut (or maybe pushed one open?) Was it because I finally shared the blog with a few friends? And lo and behold, I received a comment from the friend of a friend… (I LOVED hearing from you Elaine – of course I remember you!) Wonderfully, the blog is starting to take on a life of its own! Gotta be more “accountable” now; can’t just start this and let it falter. And strangely, almost effortlessly, I made a change.
For the first time in months - maybe even in a year or more, I ate well. And now, at the end of this good (and very bad – turns out it wasn’t so simple, as you’ll soon see) day, I feel fine, not hungry. I finally downloaded that calorie counter (I’ll post it in my links section) and used it to record every single thing I ate. By virtue of knowing I was going to do that, I ate three uncharacteristically healthy meals: granola and blueberries for breakfast, pasta with tomato sauce (without the usual hill of freshly grated parmigiano cheese – normally added to help entice the kids), salad, and cranberries for lunch, wheat crackers and a carrot for a snack, and broccoli, salmon, and a kiwi for dinner. Since it was a Saturday, I was even able to go to a Pilates class at the YMCA while Mr. Nutella-buyer watched the kids for an hour. All this added up to 1326 calories (unless I’ve made some terrible mistake with that counter!) A highlight of the day was watching both my 18mo old and 3yr old happily munching, or should I say “gnawing” on the carrots with me. No Heimlich needed! It goes without saying that if I ate healthier, I’m certainly going to be a better role model for them. Come on, how can a kid be expected to finish his broccoli when mom is inhaling Nutella?
This was also the first day in months in which I did not snack compulsively, although I thought about popping something into my mouth every time I opened the fridge. I would be getting something for the kids and I’d see cheese, sweetened ice tea, muffins, you name it – and would want to eat it, even though I wasn’t hungry. Once that door was open, my eyes would search for something tasty. This made me realize I’ve just gotten into this CRAZY pattern in which, because I’m a stay-at-home-mom and in the kitchen all the time, I eat almost constantly. With the glaring exception of the Nutella (and the cookie binges), the stuff I tend to munch on isn’t bad per se, but my oh my does it add up. You see one of my brother’s previous comments about having just one oreo cookie a day can add up to over 5lbs a year. Funny: one of the things that prevented me from eating extras was thinking that I had to input whatever into the calorie counter (already a pain… and how could I record the numerous bits and bites of all that is edible in my house?), so it wasn't worth it. That calorie counter made me think about every single thing I placed into my mouth... In a way it is a pity I didn't record this past weekend of bad eating, just to see what excess gluttony looks like from a calorie perspective: all sorts of leftover kids' food, snacks, and then spoonfuls of Nutella, extremely generous use of olive oil in absolutely everything, pieces of bread here and there... and all this on top of whatever meals I ate!!! I'm sure the calorie intake was EASILY three times more than that of today... or more. In fact, I can't really believe how fine I feel for how little (a relative term) I ate today. The great thing about that calorie counter is it shows if you're lacking in carbs or fats or fiber or protein as the day progresses. Before dinner I saw that I had eaten my fill of carbs (must’ve been the granola and pasta), but that I was still low on fiber and protein. That helped me to plan on having fish and veggies for dinner, and no carb (as I would have normally had with such a meal). In fact, I left out the carbs for the kids too… and after much resistance from my son (“I wanted gnocchi!”), he finally ended up eating some of the salmon and tons of fresh fruit afterward.
A little digression here: my son is only 3 and doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him. Having married an Italian has somehow turned me into a big fat Italian mamma and I’m always trying to get my son to eat more, but I’m learning that he has an AMAZING ability to self-regulate. For one meal he could eat a hefty man-sized portion of pasta, then he may eat less the next day and then eat a ton of meat the following day. Because I can’t help but want him to eat, I’m always offering him literally a buffet of healthy foods. From that “buffet” I’ve noticed that if he hasn’t had much fruit in the past days, he chooses more fruit; if he hasn’t had meat in a while, he digs into that. It is pretty fascinating to watch – if only I ate like him… I’ve actually offered him Nutella in the past and he seems to like it and has a spoonful’s worth on a piece of bread, but after that he is done…when I offer him a bit more, he says “no Mamma, no more Nuteya”. Is this kid my son??? I’ve jokingly thought I should model myself after him… his little innocent system has not yet been corrupted and he simply eats what he needs and then is done. Now my daughter with the world’s chubbiest legs, SHE is a different story… suffice to say that even at 18mo, she’s already (unfortunately for her) much like me…and worse, I catch her watching me! She sees Mamma scarfing down that spoonful of liquid chocolate -- by god, if Mamma has it, I’ll scream until I get some too.
Constantly, daily, I’m preparing beautiful healthy meals for the kids, but by the time I’m done feeding them and cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, the then cold food strewn about the table looks much less appetizing. I’ll eat up their leftovers, but it feels so unsatisfying that I’ll then (I’m an idiot!) follow that with some fast/easy carb… something far less yummy, and far less good for me. Even just writing this, I’m thinking, why? WHY? I’m so fortunate to even be able to have healthy food to eat… Why am I such an idiot? But back to that wind which swept in … another difference today: I prepared foods just for me. I made a conscious effort to have breakfast (having been inspired by my brother’s blog). I made my lunch after the kids had eaten. My little girl was driving me nuts, trying to climb in my lap while I ate (what does Mamma have?? I gotta get me some!), I tried in vain to hide from her and ended up letting her make a disaster of papers and markers on the patio so I could eat in relative calm. These must be the type of situations many stay-at-home moms face daily, so why does it seem so challenging for me? And if I get started on this woe-is-me path of thinking, that’ll be the fastest route to me eating a cookie… in fact, a cookie is almost sounding good now. But nope, I don’t have any to taunt me (thank goodness) and after writing all this, I can’t let you (me!) down, can I?
So it is now 11:30pm and I’m genuinely pleased with the results of the day. But wasn’t there some bad stuff? Yes. I said I wouldn’t let this blog devolve into ranting about Mr. Nutella-buyer, but since I stuck to the “diet” (a term which, by the way, I think I won’t use… I’ll call this, whatever THIS is, something about a healthy path to the future – well, that sounds like a campaign slogan – but I’ll come up with something other than “diet”…Hey, I could be like Hillary and poll my readers for a new slogan…) so since I stuck to this “thing” today, I’ll break a different promise not having to do with food and say that I am very, very, very angry at Mr. Nutella-buyer. After dinner, when I was searching through the garbage to get the label off the salmon package (to calculate the serving size, etc), I got a funny “what the heck are you DOING?” sort of look from him. I told him flat out, “Listen if you want to help me you should know that this was the first day in almost a year (or maybe more) in which I ate well the entire day and even did a bit of exercise. I think it has to do in large part with the Michel/Lane blog idea and with the Calorie counter. I know you think I look silly digging out labels from the garbage and spending time on the computer for this, but it has really helped, albeit for one day, so I want you to support me in this. You can make fun of me, that is okay and I don’t mind, but just support me with this. It has just been one day, but at least this is a good beginning.”
He appeared to nod in agreement but it only took several minutes before he launched into a diatribe about how some silly ladies where he works are obsessed with counting the calories on their candy bars and what a waste of time for me to be inputting the food into the computer and why don’t I just “eat healthy, exercise and sleep more.” Yeah, why don’t I? You @#$%^@#$@#$% (think “The Sopranos” here, after Carmela catches Tony sneaking home early in the morning) @#$#$#$%%^&#$%^ AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I actually grabbed the cheeks of his face between my fingers (like I do with my son when I am super mad and trying to get him to look at me in the eye) and told him to stop, stop, stop, and asked him why couldn’t he simply support me here, in the one thing I had specifically asked him to support me in. In his world, “support” translates to “criticize”… he thinks he’s helping me by showing me all the ways in which I am stupid. I’ve told him a thousand times, NO ONE knows better than I do how stupid I am. Help me with real actions, with something tangible but not with criticisms.
Why don’t I just “eat healthy, exercise and sleep more.” ?????? OH MY GOD THE FREAKING NERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this from the guy who has gone mtn biking a zillion times while I stay home with the kids… I would LOVE to exercise! It would be a DREAM! I have been on my bike ONCE in the last three years. If only I had the tiniest bit of help with the kids! (and help that I can TRUST, Mr. Let Daphne Cry! – in case you ever read this blog in the future, which I highly doubt but then again, it did rain here in July for the first time ever since recorded weather… so ya never know!) I’m using all my willpower (I DO in fact have some) to prevent myself from swearing silly here… it just doesn’t seem like a nice way to start out a blog… I may just have to start a separate anger-filled blog for other topics…ha!
The fantastic thing about this format is that I already feel better! This could be the most cathartic thing I have done in a long time! A few final thoughts... I do plan on posting my actual weight once I get a decent scale. It would be amazing to see the numbers decrease. Once long ago we made a weight loss chart for my husband, myself, and our cat. Kitty did pretty well at first and it was so fun connecting the dots and seeing the line move downward, but unfortunately (the classic diet story) she gained all the weight back plus more. And don’t worry, I’m not going to start other blogs… who has the time? I should be sleeping now as it is… so goodnight and we’ll see what tomorrow brings…
For the first time in months - maybe even in a year or more, I ate well. And now, at the end of this good (and very bad – turns out it wasn’t so simple, as you’ll soon see) day, I feel fine, not hungry. I finally downloaded that calorie counter (I’ll post it in my links section) and used it to record every single thing I ate. By virtue of knowing I was going to do that, I ate three uncharacteristically healthy meals: granola and blueberries for breakfast, pasta with tomato sauce (without the usual hill of freshly grated parmigiano cheese – normally added to help entice the kids), salad, and cranberries for lunch, wheat crackers and a carrot for a snack, and broccoli, salmon, and a kiwi for dinner. Since it was a Saturday, I was even able to go to a Pilates class at the YMCA while Mr. Nutella-buyer watched the kids for an hour. All this added up to 1326 calories (unless I’ve made some terrible mistake with that counter!) A highlight of the day was watching both my 18mo old and 3yr old happily munching, or should I say “gnawing” on the carrots with me. No Heimlich needed! It goes without saying that if I ate healthier, I’m certainly going to be a better role model for them. Come on, how can a kid be expected to finish his broccoli when mom is inhaling Nutella?
This was also the first day in months in which I did not snack compulsively, although I thought about popping something into my mouth every time I opened the fridge. I would be getting something for the kids and I’d see cheese, sweetened ice tea, muffins, you name it – and would want to eat it, even though I wasn’t hungry. Once that door was open, my eyes would search for something tasty. This made me realize I’ve just gotten into this CRAZY pattern in which, because I’m a stay-at-home-mom and in the kitchen all the time, I eat almost constantly. With the glaring exception of the Nutella (and the cookie binges), the stuff I tend to munch on isn’t bad per se, but my oh my does it add up. You see one of my brother’s previous comments about having just one oreo cookie a day can add up to over 5lbs a year. Funny: one of the things that prevented me from eating extras was thinking that I had to input whatever into the calorie counter (already a pain… and how could I record the numerous bits and bites of all that is edible in my house?), so it wasn't worth it. That calorie counter made me think about every single thing I placed into my mouth... In a way it is a pity I didn't record this past weekend of bad eating, just to see what excess gluttony looks like from a calorie perspective: all sorts of leftover kids' food, snacks, and then spoonfuls of Nutella, extremely generous use of olive oil in absolutely everything, pieces of bread here and there... and all this on top of whatever meals I ate!!! I'm sure the calorie intake was EASILY three times more than that of today... or more. In fact, I can't really believe how fine I feel for how little (a relative term) I ate today. The great thing about that calorie counter is it shows if you're lacking in carbs or fats or fiber or protein as the day progresses. Before dinner I saw that I had eaten my fill of carbs (must’ve been the granola and pasta), but that I was still low on fiber and protein. That helped me to plan on having fish and veggies for dinner, and no carb (as I would have normally had with such a meal). In fact, I left out the carbs for the kids too… and after much resistance from my son (“I wanted gnocchi!”), he finally ended up eating some of the salmon and tons of fresh fruit afterward.
A little digression here: my son is only 3 and doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him. Having married an Italian has somehow turned me into a big fat Italian mamma and I’m always trying to get my son to eat more, but I’m learning that he has an AMAZING ability to self-regulate. For one meal he could eat a hefty man-sized portion of pasta, then he may eat less the next day and then eat a ton of meat the following day. Because I can’t help but want him to eat, I’m always offering him literally a buffet of healthy foods. From that “buffet” I’ve noticed that if he hasn’t had much fruit in the past days, he chooses more fruit; if he hasn’t had meat in a while, he digs into that. It is pretty fascinating to watch – if only I ate like him… I’ve actually offered him Nutella in the past and he seems to like it and has a spoonful’s worth on a piece of bread, but after that he is done…when I offer him a bit more, he says “no Mamma, no more Nuteya”. Is this kid my son??? I’ve jokingly thought I should model myself after him… his little innocent system has not yet been corrupted and he simply eats what he needs and then is done. Now my daughter with the world’s chubbiest legs, SHE is a different story… suffice to say that even at 18mo, she’s already (unfortunately for her) much like me…and worse, I catch her watching me! She sees Mamma scarfing down that spoonful of liquid chocolate -- by god, if Mamma has it, I’ll scream until I get some too.
Constantly, daily, I’m preparing beautiful healthy meals for the kids, but by the time I’m done feeding them and cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, the then cold food strewn about the table looks much less appetizing. I’ll eat up their leftovers, but it feels so unsatisfying that I’ll then (I’m an idiot!) follow that with some fast/easy carb… something far less yummy, and far less good for me. Even just writing this, I’m thinking, why? WHY? I’m so fortunate to even be able to have healthy food to eat… Why am I such an idiot? But back to that wind which swept in … another difference today: I prepared foods just for me. I made a conscious effort to have breakfast (having been inspired by my brother’s blog). I made my lunch after the kids had eaten. My little girl was driving me nuts, trying to climb in my lap while I ate (what does Mamma have?? I gotta get me some!), I tried in vain to hide from her and ended up letting her make a disaster of papers and markers on the patio so I could eat in relative calm. These must be the type of situations many stay-at-home moms face daily, so why does it seem so challenging for me? And if I get started on this woe-is-me path of thinking, that’ll be the fastest route to me eating a cookie… in fact, a cookie is almost sounding good now. But nope, I don’t have any to taunt me (thank goodness) and after writing all this, I can’t let you (me!) down, can I?
So it is now 11:30pm and I’m genuinely pleased with the results of the day. But wasn’t there some bad stuff? Yes. I said I wouldn’t let this blog devolve into ranting about Mr. Nutella-buyer, but since I stuck to the “diet” (a term which, by the way, I think I won’t use… I’ll call this, whatever THIS is, something about a healthy path to the future – well, that sounds like a campaign slogan – but I’ll come up with something other than “diet”…Hey, I could be like Hillary and poll my readers for a new slogan…) so since I stuck to this “thing” today, I’ll break a different promise not having to do with food and say that I am very, very, very angry at Mr. Nutella-buyer. After dinner, when I was searching through the garbage to get the label off the salmon package (to calculate the serving size, etc), I got a funny “what the heck are you DOING?” sort of look from him. I told him flat out, “Listen if you want to help me you should know that this was the first day in almost a year (or maybe more) in which I ate well the entire day and even did a bit of exercise. I think it has to do in large part with the Michel/Lane blog idea and with the Calorie counter. I know you think I look silly digging out labels from the garbage and spending time on the computer for this, but it has really helped, albeit for one day, so I want you to support me in this. You can make fun of me, that is okay and I don’t mind, but just support me with this. It has just been one day, but at least this is a good beginning.”
He appeared to nod in agreement but it only took several minutes before he launched into a diatribe about how some silly ladies where he works are obsessed with counting the calories on their candy bars and what a waste of time for me to be inputting the food into the computer and why don’t I just “eat healthy, exercise and sleep more.” Yeah, why don’t I? You @#$%^@#$@#$% (think “The Sopranos” here, after Carmela catches Tony sneaking home early in the morning) @#$#$#$%%^&#$%^ AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I actually grabbed the cheeks of his face between my fingers (like I do with my son when I am super mad and trying to get him to look at me in the eye) and told him to stop, stop, stop, and asked him why couldn’t he simply support me here, in the one thing I had specifically asked him to support me in. In his world, “support” translates to “criticize”… he thinks he’s helping me by showing me all the ways in which I am stupid. I’ve told him a thousand times, NO ONE knows better than I do how stupid I am. Help me with real actions, with something tangible but not with criticisms.
Why don’t I just “eat healthy, exercise and sleep more.” ?????? OH MY GOD THE FREAKING NERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this from the guy who has gone mtn biking a zillion times while I stay home with the kids… I would LOVE to exercise! It would be a DREAM! I have been on my bike ONCE in the last three years. If only I had the tiniest bit of help with the kids! (and help that I can TRUST, Mr. Let Daphne Cry! – in case you ever read this blog in the future, which I highly doubt but then again, it did rain here in July for the first time ever since recorded weather… so ya never know!) I’m using all my willpower (I DO in fact have some) to prevent myself from swearing silly here… it just doesn’t seem like a nice way to start out a blog… I may just have to start a separate anger-filled blog for other topics…ha!
The fantastic thing about this format is that I already feel better! This could be the most cathartic thing I have done in a long time! A few final thoughts... I do plan on posting my actual weight once I get a decent scale. It would be amazing to see the numbers decrease. Once long ago we made a weight loss chart for my husband, myself, and our cat. Kitty did pretty well at first and it was so fun connecting the dots and seeing the line move downward, but unfortunately (the classic diet story) she gained all the weight back plus more. And don’t worry, I’m not going to start other blogs… who has the time? I should be sleeping now as it is… so goodnight and we’ll see what tomorrow brings…
Friday, July 27, 2007
Creeping Awareness
This blog concept isn't all that bad; even if I don't post, during the day I find myself thinking of what I might say, were I posting. And today what has been revealed is that I don't actually have much to say on the diet/weight loss front. Other than creating this blog in the spirit of comradeship with my brother and his girlfriend, I don't have an actual plan to become thinner. Just desire (but how much desire, really, if I’m not willing to make the extra effort? When did I get so lazy? No, I’m just insanely sleep-deprived from having had two kids in three years… or at least that is the excuse I keep dragging out). Now my brother, he has a plan - something that looks like one. Reading the itemization of his daily food intake and his daily workouts shows me he will in fact accomplish his goal of losing 15% of his current weight....his weight loss is occurring at this very moment! I don't have a plan, I'm not counting calories (I NEED to check out that Calorie King thing they downloaded for me), I haven't yet figured out how to exercise regularly with the kids in tow, and so it is no surprise I have little faith in actually accomplishing any weight loss. This loser mentality has brought me to where I am today...getting fatter by the minute. So what does a plan look like? Even the idea of writing down everything I eat seems hardly feasible... I'm snacking constantly with the kids (often good stuff like fruit and veggies and pasta, often the ends of juice boxes, leftover pieces of cheese…a big ol’ Mom-Vacuum inhaling the remains) and I rarely find time for a normal sit-down meal where I can actually relax and truly have a satisfying eating experience. But once the kiddos are in bed, I'm "rewarding" myself with those insidious little spoonfuls of Nutella and its evil ilk. Not that the current jar will be a temptation much longer - I'm fast making a dent in it and chances are good that by tomorrow it will be gone. I have implored you-know-who to NEVER ever buy that evil stuff again. And it is so falsely satisfying… it always seems like it will hit the spot, but it gives me a sickening sugar high, bad skin the next day, and actually makes me feel lousy. So why oh why do I eat it? Is it a drug and I’m an addict? Is it all those childhood years of having chocolate locked away from me and sneaking it whenever I could? And now am I stooping so low as to blame others? Satisfaction is a big issue – I’m reasonably certain (let’s say, I have hope) that if I ate balanced meals with a good ratio of proteins, healthy fats, and carbs, I would feel much less UN-satisfied and perhaps those irrational cravings for Nutella would subside.
But where was I? I haven't yet figured out if blogging is like writing an email to one's self, writing a mini-book, keeping a diary (but who, really, would expose their diary to the entire world? Oops, hello? everyone!)... I don't really know who my audience is... should I care? Actually, I'm assuming that it is an audience of two: my brother and his fiancee. Maybe I'll fool myself into thinking that and stop digressing...
A plan, a plan. Well I saw my friend Elissa yesterday and she looked fantastic... in the last several months, she beamingly admitted to me, she has lost 50lb with Weight Watchers… She did it! She is living proof it can be done...and she lost more weight than I'm even wishing to lose. She counts points, she exercises. Done. Well, I'm sure it has taken enormous, perhaps unfathomable, willpower and determination.
Willpower – I think I’m lacking in that department. So often it has been suggested, “Don’t deny yourself, just limit yourself. Just have one piece of really good chocolate, not ten cheap cookies!” To this date, I have never been able to resist. If there are cookies or crackers or ice cream (or god forbid, a pie with the name rhubarb) in the house, they call to me in my sleep. I think about them first thing in the morning. They taunt me. The lure me. And in the end, I always cave…. No willpower whatsoever (in this regard, at least)…how sad.
A plan... why do I want to lose weight? Of course to be able to fit in my clothes - to look nice in my clothes (I know I’d look fantastic if I lost 35lbs). To get back to the "old" me. To feel good. To be healthy. To start training myself to live a healthy lifestyle so that I'll be around a long, long time for my kids. My poor, poor back with its herniations, protrusions, bulges and naughty little discs wiggling out of place NEEDS me to lose this extra 30-40lbs. Now, when I'm carrying my chubby "little" thirty-pound 18 month old, I'm literally hauling around a total of 60 to 70 extra pounds... and doing so with flabby abdominal muscles. Yes, writing this down does indeed help. I'm so sorry poor back of mine... how cruel I have been to you!
So a plan... I've got to come up with a plan. It is mathematical, isn't it? Just count the calories taken in and burned. Ah, so simple sounding... well, I'd be an idiot not to start right now... so I'm off to read that Calorie King and see if I can somehow reconstruct what I ate today and what it all adds up to... I'm sure the numbers will be shocking -- something like needing to run for 1 year straight in order to burn off the calories from that last half jar of Nutella. I'll let you (whoever you really are... maybe me?) know... and sorry, poor back, so sorry.
But where was I? I haven't yet figured out if blogging is like writing an email to one's self, writing a mini-book, keeping a diary (but who, really, would expose their diary to the entire world? Oops, hello? everyone!)... I don't really know who my audience is... should I care? Actually, I'm assuming that it is an audience of two: my brother and his fiancee. Maybe I'll fool myself into thinking that and stop digressing...
A plan, a plan. Well I saw my friend Elissa yesterday and she looked fantastic... in the last several months, she beamingly admitted to me, she has lost 50lb with Weight Watchers… She did it! She is living proof it can be done...and she lost more weight than I'm even wishing to lose. She counts points, she exercises. Done. Well, I'm sure it has taken enormous, perhaps unfathomable, willpower and determination.
Willpower – I think I’m lacking in that department. So often it has been suggested, “Don’t deny yourself, just limit yourself. Just have one piece of really good chocolate, not ten cheap cookies!” To this date, I have never been able to resist. If there are cookies or crackers or ice cream (or god forbid, a pie with the name rhubarb) in the house, they call to me in my sleep. I think about them first thing in the morning. They taunt me. The lure me. And in the end, I always cave…. No willpower whatsoever (in this regard, at least)…how sad.
A plan... why do I want to lose weight? Of course to be able to fit in my clothes - to look nice in my clothes (I know I’d look fantastic if I lost 35lbs). To get back to the "old" me. To feel good. To be healthy. To start training myself to live a healthy lifestyle so that I'll be around a long, long time for my kids. My poor, poor back with its herniations, protrusions, bulges and naughty little discs wiggling out of place NEEDS me to lose this extra 30-40lbs. Now, when I'm carrying my chubby "little" thirty-pound 18 month old, I'm literally hauling around a total of 60 to 70 extra pounds... and doing so with flabby abdominal muscles. Yes, writing this down does indeed help. I'm so sorry poor back of mine... how cruel I have been to you!
So a plan... I've got to come up with a plan. It is mathematical, isn't it? Just count the calories taken in and burned. Ah, so simple sounding... well, I'd be an idiot not to start right now... so I'm off to read that Calorie King and see if I can somehow reconstruct what I ate today and what it all adds up to... I'm sure the numbers will be shocking -- something like needing to run for 1 year straight in order to burn off the calories from that last half jar of Nutella. I'll let you (whoever you really are... maybe me?) know... and sorry, poor back, so sorry.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
1st time (and somewhat reluctant) blogger
And so as I'm setting this up, my husband oh so helpfully reminds me that I should go to bed instead of fool around with this, because he knows - as do I - that when my baby wakes me up at 5:30 tomorrow morning, the temptation to have a spoonful of Nutella (or two, or three, or...) will be too great to resist. He claims he wants a thin wife, but who is he kidding? He's the one who purchased said Nutella in the first place - ostensibly for the kids. It is almost like telling the smoker who is trying to quit that the Marlboros are for the little ones. It is happening far faster than I imagined: instead of a blog about weight loss this could very well turn into an extended rant about Mr. Nutella buyer... to avoid that path, let this hopefully be the last time I mention that character. And to alleviate any concerns, let me tell you I'll resist sharing any sickenly adorable photos of kids/babies faces smeared with Nutella. But pics of my little girl's world's-chubbiest-legs, well, that may show up at some point, like it or not.
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